


What Have I Done?

by BurningSwan



Series: Mistake [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Guilt, M/M, Mental Instability, Moving, Original Character(s), Post-Break Up, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-15 09:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12318573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningSwan/pseuds/BurningSwan
Summary: It had been his intention to deceive Shizu-chan, so when he broke it off himself, why did it hurt so much? What was this feeling? He had planned from the beginning to toss him to the side when he no longer needed Shizuo. But after breaking it off, in order to get closure on his feelings, he seeks out Shizu-chan, only to find he has disappeared.





	1. This Isn’t Regret, I Swear

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so this is not only my first post on AO3 but also my first DRRR!! Fic so I must apologize if the characters seem OOC. I hope you all enjoy, regardless. 
> 
> ~BurningSwan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya reflects. Bad news is always just around the corner, however.

This isn't like me.

Izaya thinks as he swivels in his chair, unable to get any work done. It feels strange, the fact that his apartment feels too large, too empty even though it had been this way before...before he had every gotten tangled up with Shizuo. Even Namie wasn't present, on a holiday Izaya had reluctantly granted her because he didn't have it in himself to say no, not when he was feeling like this. Currently, it had been two weeks, three days, seven hours, and twenty four minutes since he ended everything. 

It feels painful, as his chest constricts around his heart and blood pounds in his ears. It's always replaying in his mind just how things went down.

******

'What are you talking about, Izaya?'  
Yes, there was definitely hurt in that voice, that sounded on the verge of breaking.

Upon seeing Izaya's serious expression, his face contorts in a mix of rage and...deep hurt. Izaya thought that he would relish in this reaction, it was just what he had expected, after all he loved seeing human reactions, except what he had not expected was this strange feeling rising in his chest, creeping up his throat like bile and threatening to make itself known. But he had also not expected Shizuo to not give in to the rage. 

But Izaya stayed firm. It was too late so he would have to keep up his act. The irony was not lost on him. 

'I no longer need you, because, you see, Shizu-chan, I never loved you. It was all a lie.'

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! Agony clawed at his neck when he saw the pain gleaming in those mocha eyes, the betrayal Shizuo felt clear on every inch of his face. It took all Izaya had to turn and walk away. Why wasn't Shizuo saying anything? Anxiety gnawed at his stomach as he left his (ex-)lover behind. 

******

Izaya is startled out of his memories, drenched in cold sweat, when a loud knock resonates throughout the room. The visitor turns out to be Masaomi.

"What do you want, Kida-kun?" The normal mischievous purr slipping into his voice, Izaya stalks close to the younger boy, still managing to hide his discomfort that he had just been suffering through. 

Kida just smacks Izaya away.

"I figured you didn't know." Was all he said.

Izaya frowned, his earlier smirk fading.

"What are you talking about?"

Kida paused. 

"Heiwajima Shizuo- the very man you despise- I heard he's dead."

Izaya stiffened at the very mention of that name, so the information originally didn't sink in. By the time it did, Masaomi had already left. 

"What? But that's impossible, because Shizu-chan, Shizu-chan's a monster."

So he said, but he now knew otherwise. His mouth went dry, he was still shocked, but disbelief got the better of him. He checked the news, and they too were saying ridiculous things such as the beast was truly dead. Thus, he decided to call Shinra.

"What do you want, Orihara-kun?" Shinra's tone was sharp. Had Shizuo told Celty what happened then?

"So harsh towards your friend, Kishitani-san," Izaya laughed drily. "There was something I wanted to confirm. Even on the news...They're saying Shizu-chan is dead, there's no way that's true, right?"

"Oh, and why do you care, Orihara-kun?" Shinra practically snarled.

"It's important that I keep tabs on the beast who wants to kill me." Izaya replied with ease. Even though a voice in his ear, that sounded strangely like Shizu-chan's, whispered 'Liar'.

"Then you can find out for yourself." Before Izaya could say anything else, Shinra hung up. And no matter how many times Izaya tried to call him, he didn't pick up. A crushing weight came crashing down on Izaya as though he were being smothered beneath fallen bricks. His chest constricted more as a flood of emotions washed over him, threatening to get the better of him. A searing pain burned his chest as he keeled over his desk, breathing ragged and heart pounding and eyes stinging.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It had been his intention from the start to use Shizu-chan, then cut ties when he no longer needed him for his plan. He had been eagerly awaiting the day he would end it, looking forward to seeing Shizuo's face when he realizes he's been deceived, when anger overtakes him and the only thing he wants is to destroy Izaya. He had been looking forward to it until it actually happened. That moment was like the world was crashing down around him, as the ground was pulled out from under him, the glass ceiling shattered and the world was now off kilter, was now wrong. He had expected Shizuo to be consumed by anger, and he had gotten mad, but what he had not expected was his sadness to outweigh his rage. He was a beast so he was supposed to give in to his instinctual urges, yet he hadn't. And that had thrown Izaya off. Anger, he had expected. But that was not what he had predicted.

He needed to find out if Shizuo was really dead. Was it his fault, if indeed Shizuo was dead? The thought made Izaya dizzy, when before he most certainly would have been overjoyed. He couldn't comprehend what had changed- no, rather he didn't want to. Just thinking about what he had ruined, what he had lost made him sick down to his stomach. Getting up from his desk, arms shakily supporting him, he puts on his (in)famous fur-lined jacket and heads towards Ikebukoro with a different intention in mind then he normally had.

As he headed towards the familiar landscape of Ikebukuro, he repeats to himself in his mind, perhaps somewhat of a prayer if he even believed in any god, 'This isn't regret, I swear.'

'This isn't regret, I swear.'

As Shizu-chan's face flashes in his mind, an unusually gentle smile donned upon that face, the words he said send a chill throughout Izaya's body as he feels like a hollow doll, a puppet on strings (oh, the irony!), walking purposelessly down the streets, eyes vacant.

'I love you, Izaya.'

Truly, this wasn't regret. Izaya stopped and stared around at the familiar sights and yet felt like he was in a completely different place, no, rather he felt out of place. Like he didn't- no longer- belonged after what he had done. But no, Izaya knew that this wasn't regret he was feeling. It was all a dream, an illusion to convince himself he had feelings for Shizu-chan, which was ridiculous. Yet he still heard Shizuo's voice loudly calling his name, saw him snapping his lit cigarette between his finger, saw him stomping it out with a foot, saw Shizuo...smiling at him, felt Shizuo touching him, heard Shizuo breathing softly in a peaceful sleep, and heard the words that had helped shatter the world around Izaya and pull the rug out from under his feet to make him confront that which he didn't want to confront.

'I love you, Izaya.'

Right, this isn't regret, really, this is karma.


	2. It’s A Lie, It Simply Cannot Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya needs true confirmation, so he seeks it out. This is not what he intended. Definitely not.

First, he sought out Dotachin and his gang. It didn't take long, nor did it take much. The group of four were chilling in Russia Sushi.

"Dotachin!" Half out of breath, Izaya called out to Kadota, who spared a glance in his direction.

"Huh, what is it, Izaya?" Kadota questioned, face blank. 

"Is it true?" He demanded.

Kadota blinked.

"Is what true?" He prompted.

"Is-Is Shizu-chan really..." Izaya trails off, not wanting to voice the rest of the sentence that had been causing an unsettling feeling to dwell in his gut.

"Ah...Yeah. It's true...I couldn't believe it either. But shouldn't you already know about it? Why did you have to ask?" Kadota answered, figuring out the words Izaya had left unspoken. 

Izaya's heart plummeted. His hearbeat slowed and he felt dizzy on his feet.

"Izaya?" He vaguely heard Kadota call out.

"And a body? Was there a body?" Izaya demanded, recovering his composure through sheer force of will.

Kadota exchanged glances with the others.

Tentatively, as though Izaya would break otherwise, he nodded and Karisawa also chimed in with a, "Yes, there was a body. It was gruesome, really! Like there was blood everywhere and-" that was only cut off by a sharp glare from Kadota.

Izaya was frozen. The world was shifting beneath his feet, trying to throw him off and knock him off balance. Even the world did not want him here, grounded in a reality that was too much to bear.

Saying nothing, Izaya turned to leave, but Dotachin called out one last thing, "I'd be careful if I were you. The dead can still come back to life and haunt you. Oh, and, Izaya, don't forget..."

But the rest of what he said fell on deaf ears as Izaya lifelessly wandered out of Russia Sushi, no longer sure what to do with himself. But then he heard a familiar sound. He looked up when he saw Celty screech to a halt on top of Shooter.

[Izaya, why are you here?]

Izaya smiled darkly at the ground.

"Don't you know? Shinra told me to find out for myself...Whether Shizu-chan actually died or not..."

[And? Are you satisfied now? If it weren't for Shizuo, I wouldn't hold back.]

"What are you talking about?"

[Shizuo is too good for a man like you. You should have been grateful. But instead you had to ruin everything.]

Izaya chuckled.

"Ah, so he did tell you then." He mumbled before he started laughing, that distorted and maniacal laughter of his.

[Izaya! Why did you do it? You didn't have to go that far!]

Celty was indignant. And she had a right to be. Izaya had hurt her best friend, and now he was gone, dead...just like that.

Izaya sighed and stopped laughing.

"Ah, you already know, don't you, Celty? I love humans, so much that I love seeing their reactions..." Izaya replied, still not looking at the dullahan. 

[So you did this just to see him hurt? By you?] 

Izaya could tell Celty was very, very angry to the point that he did believe she was only holding back on harming him because...Izaya stopped his train of thought right there. He shouldn't be thinking about that. Not after everything. 

Unable to lie, Izaya admitted, "That's right."

And it was true. At one point he had wanted to see it. Shizuo's reaction to being deceived for so long, being betrayed, used, dropped and kicked to the side like an unloved puppy. 

[I can't believe you! You're the lowest of the low! Please stay out of Ikebukuro if you treasure your life! If I don't kill you, Shinra will.]

As if to add insult to injury, Celty's words were harsh. It only made Izaya feel worse, but he didn't want Celty to catch on. 

Turning away, he began to walk away, raising a hand in farewell.

"Thanks for the advice." He hollered, and had he looked back he would have seen Celty's last message:

[Izaya! If you really want to find Shizuo, just look for him. If it is you, you should be able to find him.]

But he didn't and so he went home with the belief that Shizuo was dead and that he was somehow at fault that his (ex-)lover was dead. However, he still wanted to deny it. Insisting that it had to be a lie because there was no way Shizu-chan could die so easily. After all, he's Shizu-chan. He's a monster, a beast who can't die. It simply could not be that Shizuo was dead. It did not make sense.

But Izaya knew he would have to accept it was reality, and the thought made his stomach churn and made his chest feel cold, hollow, and empty. He reached his apartment, walking in without really any awareness, closing the door quietly behind him. 

Shizu-chan is dead.

Shizu-chan is dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead. Dead. He is dead.

The thought circles Izaya like a shark, unwilling to leave him alone as he lies down on his bed, heart frozen over and chest cold. But it can't be. It simply can't be. It had to be a lie. It had to. Because if it wasn't, then couldn't it possibly be his fault Shizuo died? The idea made Izaya nauseous. Again, he felt that he was no longer welcomed in Ikebukuro with the one man who had never wanted him there gone. He wanted to get away. He felt like being here would suffocate him because everything would be a reminder about Shizuo and everyone would think that he was the one behind Shizuo's death.

Izaya's blood froze.

What if he was?

The thought made his heart stop, even if only for a moment.

What if he had accidentally gotten Shizuo killed?

What if, by some mistake, he had manipulated his precious humans to kill his (ex-)lover? 

The thought was mortifying. And even though it was likely impossible, Izaya could not remove the possibility from his mind, it unsettled him greatly.

He really need to get out of here before he slowly killed himself as this unknown feeling strangled him- these unknown feelings. Tomorrow, he decided, he would make plans to leave. Even if normally he wouldn't want to, he found no other solution to sorting things out with Shizuo, because he's dead and his friends now despise him for betraying Shizuo, hurting Shizuo. 

But Izaya still wants to believe it is a lie, after all, it simply cannot be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, apologies if anyone seems OOC. This is my first DRRR!! fanfiction. I hope you enjoy. This may end up being seven chapters (including an epilogue) instead of six, but we’ll see.
> 
> ~BurningSwan


	3. I’m Not Running Away, There Is Nothing To Run Away From

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya leaves Japan, but there is something bothering him.

There would be people who would call him a coward for leaving. That would probably included Shinra and Celty. And probably Dotachin as well. Namie, too, would likely also call him a coward. But Izaya saw no other way to go about it, not with Shizuo dead. There could be no closure if the person he was seeking closure with was dead. He had only told the Awakasu-kai and a few others that he was leaving. He wanted to bow out without many people knowing. He already a place in mind, somewhere far enough away that he wouldn't be know so he could start afresh in a different place (a place without Shizu-chan).

He gazed at his open suitcase blankly before shutting it. If he was no longer wanted- needed- then there was no reason to stay. He closed the suitcase with a finality. 

'I'm not running away, there is nothing to run away from.'

So he told himself as he readied himself to leave the place he had grown so familiar with. Every alleyway, every building, every person...

When he reached the airport, a cold voice called out to him.

"Oh, my, if it isn't Orihara Izaya. What might you be doing here?" 

Izaya turned to be greeted with the sight of a smirking woman, dressed in a  gray business suit.

"Vivian. What do you want?" Izaya queried, somewhat tiredly.

The blonde businesswoman chuckled, a harsh, grating sound.

"Nothing, I just hope you'll still be willing to do business with me. If you happen to be going to Russia for whatever reason, I'll be sure to let my friend know about you. A free customer." Vivian picked up her bag she was carrying that had been resting on the floor, lightly throwing it across her shoulder, resting it on her back.

Izaya kept up a business smile.

"Always a pleasure to do business with you. Who's your friend?" 

"Her name is Blair, she's a bit unique, but I'm sure she'll be useful." Vivian replied, before beginning to turn away. 

"Have a nice trip, Orihara-san." She called, walking away, heels clicking against the tile floor.

He stared after her. She always seemed to know more than she let on. Perhaps she had her own connections other than Izaya himself.

He suppressed a shudder. He knew he didn't want to cross Vivian, as he was aware of her profession. Very aware. 

He hoped her friend, if she truly was such, wasn't in the same line of business.

———

It took him a while to establish himself the same way he had in Japan. Took a while to get used to a new environment with different people.

Something felt off, odd, out of place. There was something he couldn't put his finger on that felt...wrong.

Unable to identify it, he made the decision to ignore this feeling, place it in the back of his mind and go back to doing what he had always done. 

It became like he was on autopilot, replaced by a shallow and superficial version of himself.

He still couldn't place it. It eluded him just like the vague idea that he was missing a vital piece of information about...He didn't even know what about. 

Then, it began to take a more tangible shape. It became visible. It hit him slowly. 

It started with the fact that someone here went by Shizuo for their job.

Izaya felt mocked, ridiculed. Like someone knew about Shizuo and was mocking him, deriding him, sneering at him and laughing at him from a place he couldn't see.

He had never met this fake Shizuo, whomever they were.

He knew their job, who they usually worked with, all sorts of things.

But not what they looked like or who they actually were.

It drove him mad not knowing.

But at the same time, he didn't want to find out.

Too many what ifs swirled in his mind, that reminded him of his guilt. His regret. 

So he didn't think about it often.

Sometimes it interrupted his sleep, made it fitful and uncomfortable because he was reminded of his Shizuo, of the real Shizuo. 

Sometimes he'd wake up and his eyes would be red and puffy.

He didn't know why- rather, he didn't want to think about- consider- why they were.

He was above this.

Dotachin's words came back to him.

'The dead can still come back to life and haunt you.'

The thought was ludicrous. He pushed all thoughts of Shizuo away, not wanting to remember, with a bitter clarity, the gentle eyes and kind smiles, the soft touches and blissful laughs. It was too suffocating and painful. It clawed at his chest and made his head pound.

'Don't think about it.'

'I'm not running away, there is nothing to run away from.' 

———

He returned to his normal self. Back to the Orihara Izaya who never got entangled with the beast, the monster who ruined his life.

He pulled strings and moved pawns. He manipulated and watched from afar as chaos unfolded on the stage he set.

But it still felt wrong.

Made his mouth go dry as his laughter sounded hollow, unlike himself.

What had Shizuo done to him?

What had he done to himself?

What did he do to Shizuo?

He didn't tremble. He definitely never cried. It never shook him up whenever he saw that alias of the person who dared to masquerade as the (beloved) hated beast.

Why?

The world must hate him. Hate him for ruining Shizuo's life and his- their- chance at happiness. That's right. It has nothing to do with Shizuo and everything to do with him, Orihara Izaya. It was all his fault. Why had he ever thought to get close to the beast (Shizu-chan) in the first place? Why had he so desired- or thought he had desired- to see Shizuo's face when he shattered the glass ceiling and for once told (a lie) the truth, that it had never meant anything and he never loved Shizuo? 

What had it all been for?

Nothing but lingering regret like bile in his throat, leaving a bitter taste of memories too sweet to swallow.

He wants to run away, but there is nothing to run away from except extinguished cigarettes like snuffed out feelings he never knew existed.

He's not running away, he assures himself. There is nothing to run away from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wonder who this Shizuo might be...hmmm?
> 
> Anyways, Vivian is one of my OCs, and I will just say she’s not actually a business woman. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed.
> 
> ~BurningSwan


	4. I Don’t Care, But Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While it’s bothering him about the fake Shizuo, he gets a call from Vivian. It doesn’t help.

It made him tick. Constantly invaded by the name, alias, whatever- Shizuo. Could he never escape the reminders? Would he never be free? Never be able to just move on? His eyes lowered, staring vacantly, impassively at the screen that taunted him with that name written across it. Wasn't it enough that not only was Shizuo gone, but...dead, as well?

He didn't want to confront these thoughts, these feelings that resurfaced just by seeing that name, picturing that face.

It was over.

He assured himself.

It was all said and done. Shizuo's expression burned, branded into his mind like a never fading scar.

Vivian called, her voice a smooth honey.

"Izaya, dear. I have a favor to ask. Don't worry, you don't have to do anything right away. There's just some bad people I need you to take care of."

"What is it?" Too tired to bicker with the dangerous woman. Too tired to care who these "bad people" actually were.

He could imagine Vivian's smirk in the purr of her voice. Wasn't she too much like him?

"Just a small little task. They are trying to hurt my precious Blair, hinder her plans. Just dispose of them somehow. I will email you the details. It should be done within a month. Thank you and goodbye, Izaya-kun."

Click.

She hung up.

As promised, she did email him the details.

He looked them over.

His heart sank.

Did she know? He had to wonder.

His fingers blazed across his keyboard, his curiosity burning. 

Indeed it was a cruel world. He sat back in his chair, swiveling around.

He shouldn't care- he doesn't care, he corrects himself, but why?

Why could his mind never leave it alone? 

Who was this Shizuo? All he knew was that it couldn't be his Shizuo- not his monster, his beast.

His fingers tap on his desk. He stands, sweeps through his apartment towards the window, looks out across the bleary landscape. He wouldn't be here anyways, even if he had never...Izaya stops himself. He doesn't want to think about this again. His chest constricts. What had been the point in leaving Japan if nothing changed with it?

He could not escape it.

'I don't care, so why...?'

It doesn't- shouldn't- matter anymore. Shizuo is dead, gone, like a puff of smoke from those cigarettes he always had. 

It was a vicious cycle. He leaned against the window in exhaustion. Most nights he barely slept, and when he did it was always fitful, bitter dreams- nightmares now- remembering the good times with Shizuo, or remembering how he ended it all. 

He is entirely unable to move on, how can he? If Shizuo never got the chance, why should he? The world scorned him and his hateful existence in place of Shizuo who just hadn't. Izaya wishes he had. Rage and anger would have been much more sweet than the bitter anguish and betrayal he had seen so clearly in those somber brown eyes. Eyes that questioned why he had done this. What had it meant. And Izaya had answered...

Nothing.

I don't care.

I never loved you.

It was all a lie.

But was it?

Was it really? 

Izaya hadn't been so sure in those two weeks right after the breakup.

He still thinks he isn't sure now when a strange feeling still permeates his chest and strangles and suffocates him and says look at what you have done. 

He was tempted to refuse to help Vivian. But he couldn't bring himself to, though he was unable to place why. It must be his morbid sense of curiosity that wanted to know just who the hell was mocking him by going by that name that danced on the tip of his tongue but never left it, poisoning his mouth with that bitter taste of guilt. 

Did it matter who had actually killed Shizuo?

Hadn't he been the one to emotionally destroy the blonde beast?

He moved away from the window, sick of always being plagued by thoughts about Shizuo. Why couldn't he go back to being normal, to just being the Orihara Izaya who never felt anything towards the beast? 

It's tearing him apart. Hadn't he left Japan to escape this? 

His eyes return to the window, vacant as he stares out at the bleak landscape stretched for miles before him. 

He had time until he had to actually help Vivian anyways, she hadn't been lying about that. He distracts himself with his work, returning to scouring articles and occasionally observing his humans. 

But most here didn't hold his attention like others had previously. Like his game had lost its luster because everything had become meaningless when one game went awry and he had felt like a human. 

But he wasn't a human.

He told himself.

He was a god. He was above feeling anything more than what he already felt for humanity, not one of them was more special than the next.

How much longer would he linger in denial? Perhaps forever because Shizuo was dead and there was nothing in the world that could replace him.

Nothing could replace what he had had with Shizuo.

But he had ruined it.

No, he doesn't care about that anymore.

It's over. It's done. There's nothing left. 

Nothing.

But if there's nothing, then why? Why did he feel like this? Why did his chest squeeze every time he saw that name? Why did guilt claw at his neck whenever he was reminded that that couldn't possibly his Shizuo, because his Shizuo is dead and he was the one who killed him by ending everything. 

His eyes glazed over and he slumped back down in his chair, twirling around and gazing up at the ceiling. He needed to do something, but there was nothing he could do.

He sensed something ominous coming, with some sense of foreboding. A cold draft tickled his neck and sent shivers down his spine. It must have to do with the fake Shizuo. 

Maybe, maybe he could get closure on these feelings that had been eating at him from the inside out.

Maybe, maybe he could finally stop feeling this way, living but not really living.

'I don't care, but why...?'

Why was he totally (not) okay if everything turned out to be nothing more than a wild goose chase? 

He sank down in his seat.

"I'm coming, Shizuo, whoever you are." He muttered.


	5. In The End, This Is The Only Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya hadn’t expected this. It must be because it’s been so long.
> 
> ———
> 
> A call from Blair serves as a momentary distraction and as a reminder that soon he would help Vivian out. Things don’t go as planned.

Izaya sat in his new office, perusing the internet for something interesting to get involved with. As he was doing this, one of his phones rang and he answered after checking the caller.

"Ah, Blair. How can I help you?"

The person on the other end scoffed.

"Although I want nothing to do with you, my friend told me you might be able to help me." Blair stated flatly.

Izaya smirked, opening up a recent news article on his laptop.

"And what might that be?" Izaya purred, scrolling through the article with keen eyes.

"There is someone I want you to find. Her name is Noelle Siu. Last known residence: Tokyo, Japan. Last known occupation, singer. Reasons for wanting to know where she is...Well, to kill her, of course." Blair droned, voice monotone.

"Didn't she move to America?" Izaya questioned, wondering why he was required to obtain this information. 

"Just knowing that she moved there isn't enough. It could also be a coverup. " Blair replied calmly. 

"I will look into it and get back to you." Izaya said, noting her request.

"Whatever, just don't take too long with it." Blair huffed, hanging up before Izaya could say anything more. 

Izaya sat still for a while, setting down the phone with a muffled clatter. 

Vivian hadn't been wrong to say her friend was unique, however, she didn't really interest Izaya. Even if she was a little unpredictable. A monotone voice and an unknown motive for wanting to kill a retired singer, who, according to official reports, moved to America to live with her boyfriend. That was his impression of Blair.

He dismissed this as he reminded himself what was coming up soon. He had Vivian's request to carry out. 

———

When he headed out, the sky was overcast and gloomy, a few tears escaping the overburdened clouds that hung low in a gray sky.

He tucked his hands into his pockets, walking casually as he followed various roads and paths to the abandoned warehouse. There was no hurry, he still had time before the meeting was supposed to occur. He fingered the knife in his jacket to remind himself that there was nothing to worry about. 

———

"Huh? Who's that?" Syrus scratched his cheek, shading his eyes as he looked out on the path. 

"Where?" His partner queried.

"Over there." The brunette pointed at the raven walking towards an old warehouse.

The other squinted, but was unable to make out any details of the person, or at least nothing he would cede as being important. Especially not that jacket.

"Dunno. Think they sent someone else as well?" He shrugged.

"I thought it was just supposed to be the two of us." Syrus ran his fingers through his hair.

"You mean it was only supposed to be me. You just decided to tag along." The other huffed.

Syrus smiled sheepishly.

"I couldn't let a friend go alone. They said it was dangerous." He defended.

"There's no reason to worry about me. I'll be fine," He insisted, turning his gaze back on the path. "He's gone...Think he went inside?" 

"Already? He must be out of his mind. We better hurry up, if he's not with them, he might get himself killed."

"You mean, I'd better hurry. You stay here on lookout." 

"What? You're no fun." Syrus sighed.

His partner glared at him.

"Fine, I'll wait here." He huffed, crossing his arms. 

The other man stood and crept towards the warehouse.

Syrus sighed, sitting down in the grass.

"You're a bad liar, y'know. Vorona told me more than you think. Ah, Azalea's gonna be so mad." He rested his head against his cheek, shifting his gaze in the opposite direction of the warehouse.

———

He hadn't expected this. He instinctively reached for his knife. The man smiled cruelly at him.

"Welcome, Izaya. We've been waiting for you." 

The man spread his arms in a grand gesture, before reaching towards his hip. He grabbed the gun and pointed it towards Izaya.

"You're quite old-fashioned, you know." The man smirked. 

Izaya withdrew his knife, pointing it towards the man defensively.

He'd been careless. He must be out of it because it had been so long. What a fool he was. He'd been arrogant and now he would pay for it. He moved back towards the wall, knife clenched in his hand as his only comfort.

He heard the man chuckle, a harsh, grating sound that rang in his ears.

He felt something electric sting his leg, sending pain shooting through his whole body. His eyes drifted down as the knife slipped out of his grasp and fell to the ground with an innocuous clatter.

The second man stepped back, lifting up the taser to admire it as electricity crackled between the tips. 

It had been a mistake.

That's what he thought as his legs collapsed out from under him, uselessly.

The first man chuckled again. His buddy smiled, tossing the taser away somewhere into the dark corners of the warehouse. He heard the clink of a knife being drawn, saw the blade gleam in the lights. The second man scooped up the knife Izaya had dropped, slipping it into his pocket. 

'It's too late.

I'm going to die.'

Electric fear shot down his spine. He, Orihara Izaya, was going to die. He fixed his gaze on the ground sharply.

'I don't want to die.'

He clenched his hands against the cold floor, feeling something wet trickling down his cheeks. And it was not blood. His whole body trembled as he felt his death become imminent, assured. He couldn't even find the strength to stand and try to get away, his legs had failed him, useless and keeping him pinned to the ground.

He was going to die, and no one would ever know. He couldn't look up as he was frozen in place.

Closer, closer till he could feel death close to his face, breaths ghosting across his skin.

———

He heard a series of loud crashes and other noises but he didn't move nor react at all as he sat there.

Had someone else come to kill him?

He heard footsteps but he had already accepted that he was going to die so the footsteps evoked no reaction.

Then they stopped.

"Izaya? What are you doing here?"

'This voice...

...Don’t tell me...’

Izaya looked up, heart clenching, to see that familiar face.

"Shizu-ch...Shizuo?"


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when you see the one you would never see again? It’s useless asking the question because it’s so different than anything you could imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very glad that I decided to change the direction of this story, although I think it made it more confusing (at least for the sequel). But well, here’s the last chapter of Part One of Mistake.
> 
> I rewrote most of this from the original, but it generally stayed the same towards the beginning.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> ~BurningSwan

Izaya jumped to his feet and pounced onto Shizuo, crushing him into a hug.

"Shizu-ch...Shizuo! Shizuo!" Strange emotions wracked Izaya's body as he trembled while clinging to the man he thought he would never see again. 

"Izaya? What are you doing?"

Izaya didn't answer, trembling and only able to repeat Shizuo's name over and over. 

"Oi, flea. What are you doing? Why are you here?"

He was calling him just like he had before. Ah! It must have been in a bad dream where he broke up with Shizuo. It must have been in a bad dream that people told him Shizuo was dead.  But no, that had happened.

"Just so you don't misunderstand, I didn't save you." Shizuo growled.

Of course, Shizu-chan, because you wouldn't want to save me after what I have done.

"It was a job. For work. If I had known you would be here, I wouldn't have accepted it."

Yes, because who would want to save a disgusting flea like me?

"I know." Was all the dark-haired man murmured as he clung to that warmth. Even if just for a little while, let him feel that warmth again even if he never got to see or touch Shizuo ever again, just this once, for a short while, let him be near Shizuo again. 

Finally, after Shizuo started gently trying to push him away, Izaya released the other man, stepping away, dizzy.

 

"Ne, Shizuo. I love you." Izaya stated, wobbling back and forth on unsteady feet. 

Shizuo stared.

"What the fuck?! Are you joking, flea? After everything, you'll say you love me? Bullshit! Don't think you can trick me a second time!" Shizuo snapped, anger distorting his features, the anger Izaya had once wanted to see for when he broke up with him. Now it broke him, but it didn't dissuade him.

"It's okay if you don't believe me...It's okay if it's all a lie, please stay with me." He crept closer to Shizuo in blatant disregard for the other's rage.

Shizuo's expression was unreadable.

He crept closer still, until he was once again close enough to feel the others heat, and he just barely leaned against it.

"Don't leave me again." He whispered hoarsely, trembling ever so slightly like a leaf in the wind. Izaya breathed against Shizuo's chest, want- no, need- for Shizuo becoming overwhelming. He could no longer deny it when it was so strong, so apparent. He wanted- needed- loved the man named Heiwajima Shizuo who was before him now, so close, but unreachable. 

Shizuo's eyes were unreadable behind his tinted sunglasses. 

"Flea," he said coldly, making Izaya tremble, though from what he wasn't sure. "Don't you remember what you said?" 

Izaya clung to Shizuo's chest, not wanting to think about it.

"Oi, flea," Shizuo growled, irritated at being ignored. "Izaya!"

Izaya shut his eyes tight, drawing in a shaky breath to calm his nerves.

In a barely a whisper, he murmured, "I never loved you. It was all a lie." 

Shizuo pushed Izaya away. Izaya stumbled and looked over at Shizuo somberly.

"Well? Was that a lie?" He demanded, crossing his arms and staring at the flea.

Izaya smiled at the ground.

"What was the lie indeed..." he murmured, feeling a creeping chill settle on his spine.

"Izaya!" Anger tinged Shizuo's voice, and Izaya avoided his gaze.

He shook his head as he stared at the ground.

"I didn't realize it, I didn't know it until it was too late, Shizuo." He says softly, hoarsely.

Shizuo observes him, evaluates him, guesses at whether he is lying through his teeth or finally telling the truth.

"Realize what, flea?" He presses.

"How I feel about you," a shaky breath and a drawn out pause. "That I love you."

Shizuo sighs, shakes his head.

"It's too late for that, Izaya."

A bitter smile.

"I know." He murmurs, tears threatening to spill over. 

Shizuo paused, tilting his head.

"I have to go, Izaya. Someone is waiting for me."

Izaya stiffened.

"Your lover?" He choked out, heart sinking and head spinning at the thought.

Shizuo blinked, then shook his head.

"No, just someone I work with. Besides, he has a girlfriend." He clarifies, turning towards the exit.

"Can't, can't we start over? Can't we try again?" Izaya chokes out, throat closing tightly, chest constricting at the thought that he was losing Shizuo all over again.

Shizuo stopped by the door, glancing back at him.

"I think we both know the answer to that." He sighs, and then he is gone.

Izaya collapses to the floor, burying his face in his hands. Anger and anguish assaulting him fiercely.

Shizuo was alive. He was alive and well.

But he wanted nothing to do with Izaya.

He couldn't blame him. He had hurt Shizuo badly. He had hurt himself badly, because he was a fool and he hadn't realized how much he loved Shizuo- that he had loved Shizuo- and thus had so idiotically ended everything.

The side door opened.

"Oh, you're alive." 

Izaya turned to look at the newcomer. 

"Well, this is troublesome." Leaning against the doorframe was a lithe, black-haired woman with one half-amber, half-green eye and one brown eye. 

"You're not with those guys, are you?" The woman points at the two seemingly unconscious men on the ground whom Izaya recognized as the two men who had tried to kill him.

He shook his head.

"I was asked to take care of them by a woman named Vivian." He says. 

The woman raises a brow.

"Ah, then you must be Orihara Izaya."

Izaya furrows his brows, not recognizing the face or voice.

"Are you Blair?" 

The woman laughed and shook her head.

"Nah, but she's my friend. My name is Adaline. It's nice to finally meet you, Orihara-san." 

Izaya eyed her warily.

"Are you also friends with Vivian, then? Why did you want to meet me?" Izaya questioned, suspicious.

Adaline nodded, waving a hand.

"We are alike in several ways. That's all. And I was interested in you. But that's not important. I shall inform Vivian that everything has been taken care of. I suggest you run along before anyone else stops by. It'd be a pain in the ass if Syrus showed up. He's a fucking troublemaker, and he hates my sister so he doesn't like me either."

"Syrus? Who's that?" 

"Not important, just know that you don't want to meet him. He's an ass and mischievous as all hell." 

Adaline made a shooing motion with her hand and, deciding he didn't want to stay any longer anyways, he complied, leaving the abandoned warehouse far behind.

———

"Well? What happened?" Syrus queried, lighting a cigarette as Shizuo climbed into the passenger seat of their car.

"Nothing," he growled. "But it's all taken care of."

Syrus sighed and shrugged.

"Whatever, keep it to yourself then. Just don't expect this to be over."

"What do you mean?"

"They're plotting their next move."

"Damn, can never catch a break."

"Damn straight." Syrus grumbled, smooshing his cigarette out in an ash tray. 

There was still more going on behind the scenes than they even realized.


End file.
